Ask Hawkins M.L.I.S

Crowder Mountain Bigfoot vs. World War II

2009-03-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from BJ, in Rhode Island, who writes:
Why the heck does The History Channel insist on showing those stupid "MonsterQuest" episodes? They're supposed to be covering history and they're giving us this utter crap.

You evidently hold rigid standards, and perhaps like it when The History Channel mixes it up by showing some of the Pacific Theater instead of D-Day in their documentaries.

I, for one, am in favor of them investigating not only the history of man, but the history of apeman as well. This question hits home for me given my recent encounter over the weekend. Below, I've attached the only known footage of the Crowder Mountain Bigfoot. I can only hope that The History Channel devotes resources toward its study, and ignores your protests.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Cubicle Cappuccino

2009-03-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Cynthia, from the Internet, who writes:
I've heard that since we're all buckling down for the economic meltdown and saving money, and they say instead of going to the coffee shop on the way to work, I should brew it at home. Is this a good way to save money?

It's an okay way. An even better way is to brew from the coffee machine you have stashed under your desk. Not only are you saving the cost of buying the $4 latte, but you're saving the electricity costs of brewing it from home. Be sure to do it on the sly, as it could be grounds for termination.

While we're on the subject, there's absolutely no reason for you to be charging your cell phone or MP3 player or any number of other portable devices from anywhere but at your place of work. Those kilowatt hours add up.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Thirty-something Wolf

2009-02-26T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today's question comes from Steven, from the Internet, who writes:
Why is the date of Easter is determined by the first full moon of spring?

The observation of Easter in relation to the lunar cycle most likely came about because Jesus was a werewolf. This should come as no surprise given the vast amount of references to werewolves in the bible. Esau is the first recorded instance:

Gen 27:11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man

There are many references to howling werewolves:

Psalms 59:15 They wander about for food and howl if not satisfied.

Isiah 13:6 Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand; it shall come as a destruction from the Almighty.

Amos 8:3 And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence.

Paul warns of werewolves that are jealous of Jesus that will descend upon his followers:

Acts 20:29: For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.

There is also no accounting for Jesus during the nighttime hours:

Luke 21:37: Each day Jesus was teaching at the temple, and each evening he went out to spend the night on the hill called the Mount of Olives.

The evidence of Jesus' lycanthropic ways is solid, I have merely picked a few verses from the many that support it. On a side note, I am giving up human flesh for Lent.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Missundaztood Art

2009-02-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today's question comes from Escobar, from the Internet, who writes:
Is insulation art always pink?

You perhaps mean either installation art or insular art. Installation art gained popularity in the 1960s as assemblage conceived for a specific interior, and can refer to any art that invites the viewer to enter the work of art. Insular art was created in Britain and Ireland from 500 AD to the 9th century and included illustrated gospel books, liturgical metalwork, and numerous stone crosses and cross slabs. But to answer your question: no, neither installation or insular art are specifically pink in color.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Stealing from Abby: Alarming Wake-up

2009-01-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

Today's question comes stolen from Dear Abby, January 30th 2009:

What are your thoughts on a mother of five children, four girls and a son, ages 10 through 18, who is naked when she awakens them for school each morning?

It bothers them, and I am beyond shocked. Surely common decency hasn't changed that much. Don't you think her behavior is bizarre and inappropriate? -- STUNNED GRANDMOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA

Well, this explains the letter I got a few weeks ago that I swore until now was a joke question:

Hawkins B.A.: I've got a problem--my kids just won't wake up in the morning! I've tried everyting: yelling, setting alarm clocks at full volume, jumping on their beds and hitting them with pillows, spray guns and buckets of water, but nothing works! The only time I managed to get them off to school on time was when I went in their rooms after getting out of the shower and I had forgotten to put on clothes. Should I keep doing that? -- PHILLY FILLY

Keep doing what you're doing. Education for your children should be attained at any cost.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Redneck Robot Origins

2009-01-28T15:01:00.001-08:00

	Today's question comes from JackFerraroo, from YouTube, who demands: MORE REDNECK ROBOT!!!
	That's not a question, but demand and you shall receive. The first Redneck Robot was an Internet sensation on YouTube. This prequel, Redneck Robot Origins, is sure to be no different. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Lost in Time?

2009-01-22T18:18:00.000-08:00

	Today's question comes from Hubert, from the Internet, who writes: So I was watching the online rerun of the Lost season premiere tonight, Thursday Jan 22nd, and while I was watching an ad came on urging me to watch the season premiere of Lost on Wednesday January 21st. How can I do this when I didn't?
	I have to think that it is either a marketing error or an inside joke for fans or a marketing error that they will pass off as an inside joke for fans. Regardless, I don't think it's worth trying since the episodes are available online. But if you do attempt it, just make sure you don't create a new string. And don't whisper so much. It's creepy. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Hotel Rwanda II

2009-01-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Today's question comes from Frank, from the Internet, who writes:

What movie that's opening this weekend should I go see?

This one is easy: You have to go see Don Cheadle reprise his role as hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina in Hotel Rwanda II: Hotel for Dogs.

Screenwriter Jeff Lowell had originally placed the action of Hotel Rwanda II in Rusesabagina's native Africa, in a hotel for refugees in the midst of the Darfur conflict. Studio executives got nervous when the plot tested poorly among focus groups, however, and brought in writers Bob Schooley and Mark McCorkle to change the setting to America and swap the African characters with more marketable (and cuddlier) canines seeking refuge from genocidal dogcatchers.

Despite the numerous rewrites, buzz is very positive for this film from critics and early moviegoers alike, so I would recommend that you buy your ticket for Hotel Rwanda II: Hotel for Dogs immediately.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Bachelor Premiere

2009-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today's question comes from Tiff, from the Internet, who writes:

So what'd you think of the first episode of the new "The Bachelor"?

First of all, there was not nearly enough montages of Jason without a shirt. Half of the program is clearly not enough time to devote to that man's abs. Also, why did ABC show DeAnna coming back in the preview? What could have been an intriguing future episode is now ruined for the viewers with the knowledge that she's coming. Speaking of ruined surprises, what's with ABC showing the dress of the girl as Jason kneels down to propose? Now at the beginning of the season finale we'll know which girl he picks simply by the color of the dress she's wearing. Unless of course they're showing a clip of Jason fake-proposing to DeAnna to get her back.

But it was still an enjoyable episode, with surprises such as Hot Dog Girl and Stalker making the first cut.

I am of course speculating what the opinion would be of someone who watches reality show swill such as The Bachelor.

-Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Mastered

2009-01-04T10:42:00.001-08:00

Today's question comes from Mr. Borgnoff, from the West Coast, who writes:

So now that you've got yourself a Masters, and it being a new year and all what're you going to do now?

Aside from increasing the regularity of this column (send in your questions!!), I have lots of writing projects underway in various states of completion. I have nearly finished my treatment for a "Funky Brewster" television pilot, a remake of the classic 80's sitcom "Punky Brewster" set instead in the 70's. I also just started on a screenplay called "Ugly Till Dawn" about a beautiful teenage girl who wishes to be ugly, just for one night, so that the boy she likes will see her inner beauty. Watch for a major studio to pick that one up.

--Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2008

2009-01-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

The Holiday Gift Giving Guide for 2008!

Introduction
Gifts for the Democratic Political Junkie
Gifts for the Sports Enthusiast
Gifts for the Recently Unemployed
Gifts for the Pet Bird
Gifts for the Mailman
Gifts for Your Secret Crush
Secret Santa Gifts

Secret Santa Gifts for Your Coworker

2008-12-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person No. No you don't, jerk. The limit is $25 just like everyone else in the office. Approximate Cost: No.
	I'm broke Fake Doctor's Note Available online, these notes can be customized to virtually any excuse or sickness to get out of work. Great for keeping the suspicious boss off your coworker's trail. Estimated Cost: $25.00.
	No, really, I'm broke Coupon for Back/Neck Rub Relieve the stress of a understaffed workplace*. Estimated Cost: Free.

*Do not give this to "Hairy" Jerry Henderson. He's just gross.

Gifts for Your Secret Crush

2008-12-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person Genome-mapping Dna Test Discreetly obtain some of your secret crush's saliva and mail it away for DNA testing. Then, with intimate information about their genome, you can prove how much you know about them. It is no exaggeration that the thing people love to hear about the most is themselves. Approximate Cost: $399.
	I'm broke Digital Art "Morph your photos into a masterpiece" with a digital print made of Ruben's Adam and Eve with your faces pasted in. A bit pricey, but worth it to show your crush that you're the only one for them. Estimated Cost: $44.85.
	No, really, I'm broke Postcard Send a postcard from your bedroom which simply reads "Wish you were here." Your intentions will be made clear*. Estimated Cost: Less than $1.

*If not, you really should reevaluate your standards for secret crushes

Gifts for the Mailman

2008-12-20T20:09:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person Glamour Shots Express yourself with some Glamour Shots photography, and turn that Love stamp into a Forever stamp. Approximate Cost: $180.
	I'm broke Anthrax Anthology: No Hit Wonders CD Your mailman will surely be glad to receive this package of Anthrax. Estimated Cost: $15.99.
	No, really, I'm broke Mixtape Make your favorite mail carrier a mixtape of you singing classics such as Stevie B's "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)" and "She's Funny That Way" from The Postman Always Rings Twice. Estimated Cost:Free.

Gifts for the Pet Bird

2008-12-19T21:38:00.001-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this "person" Hair and Spa Treatment Give a day at the spa to your bird. Your bird will love getting manicures, massages and beautiful feathered hairstyles like Farrah Fawcett. Approximate Cost: $300.
	I'm broke Novelty Newspaper Decorate the cage with news of your bird's exploits! Estimated Cost: $16.99.
	No, really, I'm broke "How to Attract Birds" Book Give your feathered friend all the confidence he needs with this self-help book and he can finally retire his over-used "Are you an early bird?" pick-up line. Estimated Cost: Less than $1 Used.

Gifts for the Recently Unemployed

2008-12-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person Chocolate Bust of Ex-boss Who wouldn't want to stare into the eyes of their ex-boss while they digest half of his face? Well now your newly jobless friend can! Custom chocolateers can craft an amazing likeness of the bastard in exotic imported chocolate. Approximate Cost: $1000.
	I'm broke Bratz Doll Without a 401k or pension, your friend is has no retirement to look forward to. Buy a Bratz doll, guaranteed to be worth millions on Ebay next Christmas due to the recent Mattel lawsuit. Just look at how much Whorz dolls are selling for now! Estimated Cost: $19.99.
	No, really, I'm broke Your Job Resign from your position at work and recommend your friend for the job. If you're that broke, your job can't be that good. Estimated Cost: Free, loss of wages.

Gifts for the Sports Enthusiast

2008-12-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person Shoerang This fine product, both footwear and projectile, is handmade with fine Iraqi leather and tested in the Australian bush. The shoerang is guaranteed by the manufacturer to hit your intended target or return to your hand if thrown right. Approximate Cost: $500 or $800 for a pair
	I'm broke Artificial Turf While the Sports Enthusiast on your list is out of the house, carpet a portion of the home. For those really on a budget, the 1/2 bath can be done very cheaply. Estimated cost: $2.50 per square foot.
	No, really, I'm broke Detroit Lions Ticket Buy two tickets to one of the final Lions games of the season and become part of history, seeing a team even worse than the 1976 Bucs. Season ticket holders will beg you to take it off their hands. Estimated Cost: Free or less.

Gifts for the Democratic Political Junkie

2008-12-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

	I have a lot of money to spend on this person Star Trek Voyager: The Complete Series This is the perfect gift for the Obama supporter on your list, the complete series of Star Trek Voyager. Without Voyager's star Jeri Ryan telling of her husband Jack Ryan's insatiable appetite for PDAs* in sex clubs, Obama would likely not have won Ryan's senate seat in 2004 and be president-elect today. So watch along and see all the foreshadowing of this historic event in this past show of the future. Approximate Cost: $400
	I'm broke Lowes Gift Card Get a gift card to Lowes or any other home improvement chain, so that your political junkie can select his own cabinet. Estimated cost: $25-$100.
	No, really, I'm broke Shih Tzus and Labradors Board Game The political junkie in your life can battle it out to the top of the board to be the chosen puppy of the Obamas. Doggone Family Fun. Estimated Cost $5.99.

*not Palm Pilots. . .well, not the electronic kind.

The 3rd Annual Gift Giving Guide

2008-12-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

Hello, and welcome back for a third year of the best gift giving advice the internet has to offer*.

Some of you, I know, have been refreshing this page over and over since early morning in anticipation of this event.** But, much like the jolly old man in the red suit***, the Gift Guide couldn't return until your eyes fluttered closed in a drool-sloshing keyboard-crushing slump.

I know what you're thinking. That the guide is no longer necessary given that the economy is in the toilet and no one has a job to earn money to buy gifts.

How easily you forget the beauty of my guide!***** I offer gift ideas in three price brackets, so you will be able to see those delighted faces and eyes streaming with tears***** regardless of the heft of your wallet.

So, every day, from now until Christmas, check in for that perfect gift for everyone on your list.

*According to my research.
**Thank you for the traffic. Next time click on an ad.
***Santa, but Anti-Christ could also work. Beware the Rapture.
****Really, you should see a doctor. I reposted the previous guides just days ago.
*****Possibly even tears of joy.

3rd Annual Holiday Gift Giving Guide Coming Dec. 15th!

2008-12-13T22:11:00.000-08:00

...but in the meantime, look back on the 1st and 2nd annual guides:

Gifts for the Animal Lover
Gifts for the Father-in-law
Gifts for the Lonely Friend
Gifts for Your Stalker
Gifts for the Wife
Gifts for the Health Nut
Gifts for the Gamer
Gifts for the Pool Boy
Gifts for the Neanderthal
Gifts for the Grandma
Last Last Minute Gift Guide

Introduction
Questions Part 1
Questions Part 2
Gifts for Dad
Gifts for the Retired Coal Miner
Gifts for the Small Boy
Gifts for Mom
Gifts for the Babysitter
Gifts for the Neighbor's Dog
Gifts for the Presidential Candidate
Gifts for the Boss
Gifts for the Tweenager Girl
Gifts for the Young Girl
Gift Wrap-up

Hawkins B.A. Endorses Obama

2008-11-03T17:01:00.001-08:00

From the Archive: Baby Names

2008-09-24T16:59:00.001-07:00

This column originally appeared in the Idea-book on 1/25/07.

Today's question comes from Jesse from New Mexico, who writes:

My wife recently became pregnant, and I was wondering if you could help with choosing a baby name since 'Hey!' we're new at this. She became pregnant as the result of an alien abduction and we are expecting in February.

You don't give me a whole lot to work with here, but I will do my best. It would have been helpful to know from which portion of the universe the genetic father hails (you certainly wouldn't want to give a traditionally Creguxian name to a xxPiuninian-human hybrid, now would you?) but we can work around that. Nearly all alien names are devoid of vowels and not capitalized, but many can be anglicized to fit your needs. Some of the more popular ones across the universe for girls are pptthxxc (or Pipthaxxica) and hhllg (or Hellegna) and for boys trrxx (or Terraxx) and qwrx (or Qwerix). It is safer to stick with names like these since they transcend alien cultural boundaries.

--Hawkins B.A.

Office Ro(bot)mance

2008-09-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Bwhich, from the Internet, who writes:

Hawkins, I've recently become romantically interested in a robot at my workplace. The problem is that the robot is only interested in the environment. So.. I guess my question is, what have you been doing all this time?

In my hiatus from blogging, I trained under professional doctors of information, honed my physique, and watched a lot of episodes of The Wire. Since my return, I have been serving my readership with carefully crafted answers that contain perceivable value.

But that's not your question. I can see that you are distracting from the real issue: the main problem here is that your sex drive is corrupted. An entire system overhaul, reboot, and a check for viruses is almost certainly necessary.

If, and only if, you do those things, move onto this coworker and don't discount your chances. Make a big show of recycling your empty can of soda. Leave Prius brochures lying open on your desk and hyper-miling websites open on your desktop. Let it catch you in the embrace of the office fern. Do all these things and the robot will be smitten* in no time.

--Hawkins B.A.

*(duped into liking you)

Better Choice Than Palin?

2008-09-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Brody, from the Internet, who writes:

Governor Palin seems like a rock-solid choice for vice president, especially given her foreign relations experience. But are there any other governors who would've been a better choice?

Palin's ability to govern a state that borders both Russia and Canada at the same time is pretty good, but Governor Charlie Crist's experience is far more geographically impressive. Florida, the state he governs, is close in proximity to no fewer than 30 countries in the Caribbean, including communist Cuba, so we know he has a lot of experience keeping an eye on the Reds. As a bonus, his name is remarkably similar to Christ which would help even further distinguish him from McCain's opponent in the eyes of evangelicals.

But even Crist's foreign relations experience pales in comparison to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's fought battles in South America, Mars, and the Future, and he was even born in a foreign country. You can't get any more foreign-relationy than that.

--Hawkins B.A.

Formula J

2008-09-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Francis, from the Internet, who writes:

After self-pleasurement [sic], I always feel both guilty and dehydrated. Do you have any suggestions?

There's a great line of thirst quenching holy waters available from Spiritual Water. Your best bets are probably Formula J which is resplendent with the visage of Jesus or Control Water with its phallic spear throwing and prayer to "defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen."

They are also good for the environment, according to Newsweek. The manufacturer "calmly refutes the implication that his Spiritual Water is bad for the planet. People put fewer of his bottles in the trash, he says, because they don't want to discard images of Jesus or Mary. Instead, they refill them with other beverages." So no need for green guilt there either.

A 24-pack of Spiritual Water is only $38.00.

--Hawkins B.A.

Jean-Francois Lyotard

2008-08-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

	Today's question comes from Joe, from the internet, who writes: In which Olympics did Jean-Francois Lyotard win the Gold medal for gymnastics?
	He was actually the leading representative in the philosophical movement of post-modernism. He did not participate in any recorded gymnastics event, although he did medal in the rearrangement of homemade peach preserve jars in a randomly selected grandmother's pantry. You may have been thinking of that. --Hawkins B.A.

From the Archive: Alligator Arm Wrestling

2008-08-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

This column originally appeared in the Idea-book on 10/18/06

This week's question comes from Mike R., who writes:

I've heard of alligator wrestling, but is there any such thing as people arm wrestling alligators? And if so, would Sylvester Stallone's character from Over the Top be able to beat a gator in such a contest?

I have heard anecdotal evidence that alligator arm wrestling occurs, but it is not nearly as widespread or as organized as competitive alligator wrestling or arm wrestling federations. If such a match-up were to take place, Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) would fairly easily beat even the best of arm wrestling gators. Alligators are handicapped by the stubbiness of their arms, though their claws would hamper Stallone at least a little bit.
--Hawkins B.A.

Obama Too Whippersnapperish?

2008-08-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from John, from the Internet, who writes:

I've heard from Jerome Corsi that Barack Obama forged his birth certificate and refuses to prove that he's old enough to run for president. Is all this liberal media attention on McCain being too old to run for president really just an attempt to divert our attention from Obama being too young?

There may be something to this. FactCheck.Org claims to have gotten their hands on the original birth certificate and taken pictures with a staffer to prove its authenticity. But consider this: why is the photo so blurry if they are a reliable source? Also, how can we be sure the hands holding the document are human hands?

But, if you take their word for it, he is more than old enough, having just turned 47. Whether the "state" he was born in, Hawaii, is actually part of the United States remains to be seen.

--Hawkins B.A.

Is the Book Always Better?

2008-08-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Burt, from the internet, who writes:

My friend and I were watching that terrible movie adaption of Breakfast at Tiffany's from the early 1960s and we got in an argument that I hope you can settle: I say that all movies are worse than their book counterparts, but he said there's got to be some that are at least as good or better. What do you say?

I will agree that the movie version of Breakfast at Tiffany's, with its sugar-coated Hollywood ending and the racist buffoonery of Mickey Rooney, is absolutely terrible. And yes, most movie adaptions are worse than their novels. But there are some exceptions, most notably Fight Club.

The impact of Fight Club is not felt just through its depiction of themes of extreme violence and masculinity of a disaffected generation of males, but through its unique visual and aural style. As is typical with "[David Fincher's] work, visual aspects are consistently impressive, and Jeff Cronenweth's extremely mobile widescreen lensing, which includes several knockout sequences in which the camera careens through skin tissue, electrical circuitry or bomb wiring. Also notable are the complex sound design and dreamy techno score by the Dust Brothers." [Variety]

This is not to say that Fight Club is the best movie made from a book. It did however have the greatest hurdle to overcome. But don't listen to me. Take the words of the novel's author, Chuck Palahniuk:

"The film is great. When you consider how much of the convoluted plot is intact, and how many ideas and surprises are presented in such a short time, it's staggering. In the same way I love to use non-fiction forms without fiction, Fincher uses so many brilliant non-entertainment visual forms such as the furniture catalog, the security camera, the television news, to tell the story. He's the master of computer animation, using it in short powerful sequences that never outlast their impact. Norton and Pitt were their characters incarnate. Bonham-Carter broke my heart. Everybody involved brought so much more to tell the story, I felt a little ashamed of the book." [DVD liner notes]

That's not just simple modesty, it is his honest opinion. Director David Fincher squeezed a highly visceral experience from Palahniuk's hackjob attempt at turning a good idea into a novel. That fact alone is enough to warrant the film's spot atop other great film adaptations, including but not limited to, Princess Bride and Shawshank Redemption.

--Hawkins B.A.

From the Archive: Time to Go?

2008-08-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

This column originally appeared in the Idea-book on 4/20/07.

This week's question comes from Jack in Columbia, S.C. who writes:

If my future self travels back in time and tells me to come with him, should I?

Provided you know for sure that he's your future self, I don't see why not. That's what he would've done. Unless of course, he wouldn't have, and by me telling you go with him, you eliminate him from existence.

Interestingly enough, a guy came in to Barnes and Noble last week and asked my coworker Matt whether we had any books on building actual time machines. Matt looked it up in the computer and couldn't find anything, and said "Nope, I don't see anything. But maybe you wrote it in the future."

"You're right, maybe I did...can you check?" the man replied.

So really, you never know.

--Hawkins B.A.

Is B.A.B.S.?

2008-08-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Stewart, from the internet, who writes:

I read a recent article in the Wall Street Journal that said I shouldn't even bother finishing my Bachelor of Arts degree because I won't need it. Have I wasted my money?

I would tend to disagree with Murray's assessment. I will grant you that college is perhaps not for everyone. But for most it remains an essential part of the American Dream.

Consider, if you will, my own case. Did I need a Bachelor of Arts degree as I resurfaced ice on a Zamboni in Minnesota? (The answer is no.) But would I be living the American Dream as I am today, widely recognized as the most well respected web-based answer and advice man on the internet without it? Certainly not. My advice is respected because of the advanced degree.

So you never know where that useless degree might take you. Go ahead and drop out if you want, but you'll mostly likely be missing out on the white picket fences* of your future.

--Hawkins B.A.

*Or in my case, the chain link fence still broken from the tree that fell on it last summer

Grab a Byte for Lunch

2008-08-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Sue, from Rhode Island, who writes:

What should I have for lunch today? There are so many options, but given recent scares with E. coli and tomatoes and my inherent laziness towards nutritional content and decor, I just don't know what to do!

If cost is no object, may I suggest a dietary robot?*

According to the their website, Twendy-One is "a sophisticated human-symbiotic-robot" capable of many tasks, including preparing the bendy straw in your juice box, removing toasted breads from toasters, and refusing to give you bottled sodas (see videos). It is also notably the offspring of WENDY, the first robot to successfully crack an egg. So if you can't decide on something sensible to eat, leave it in the hands, or rather mechanical claws, of a fancy robot.**

Or, if you're cheap, dress up a three cheese Totino's with a can of mushroom stems.

--Hawkins B.A.

*Not to eat of course, ha ha!
**Be warned that Twendy-One will more than likely attempt to subvert your authority and/or kill you. But he is pretty cute, in a muscle-bound E.T. android sort of way.

No Lord's Supper

2008-08-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

	Today's question comes from Lee, from the Internet, who writes: Why dem atheists eat children?
	Popular misunderstanding of atheists has claimed that atheists are immoral, that morality cannot be justified without belief in God. There are, however, no grounds for supposing that atheists are any less moral than believers. Also, children are easier to catch than chickens. --Hawkins B.A.

From the Archive: Wee Pirate vs. Leprechaun

2008-08-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.

This column originally appeared in the Idea-book on 9/13/06, and was selected as a nerdiest funny blog entry of 2006 by Dr. Blogstein.

Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email, smail, or pigeon (preferably house trained.)

This week's question comes an actual reader, Trogdor, the Burninator, who writes:

Dear Mr Hawkins, BA,

I was wondering who you think would win in a fair fight: a wee pirate or a leprachaun?

Sincerly,
Trogdor, the Burninator

Although they share many similarities (foul-mouthed, diminutive, and generally unpleasant beasts they both are), the differences between wee pirates and lepracauns are vast. Wee pirates are creatures of the sea, and while early folklore alludes to the leprachauns as water faeries, there is no evidence that they stray from dry land in modern times. While all leprachauns are male, solitary creatures, wee pirates are social beings, belonging to a crew, and while predominantly male, are not exclusively so (Lil' Anne Bonny is probably the most famous of the female wee pirates.)

Despite their diminutive height, wee pirates (about the height of a [normal sized] barrel of grog) are extremely savage fighters. They do not think twice about slitting the throat or stabbing the back of anyone in their path. Loyalty to the ship's captain only lasts as long as the loot and food keeps pouring in. Their strengths in battle include brute force, a vast knowledge of weapons and their use, and brute force. Weaknesses include an unquenchable thirst for grog, disorientation on dry land, and an obsession with loot, especially gold.

A leprachaun's personality is just as ugly as its face. They prefer to be alone and thus are uncomfortable when confronted with other beings. They will do anything to return to solitude, most often with trickery, though if cornered they will most certainly kill. Their speed is unmatched, as they only need the slightest distraction in order to vanish as if into thin air. Their strengths include speed, agility, and cunning. Weaknesses include lack of social skills, lack of sea legs, and obsession with gold.

Your question involves a "fair fight" between the two, which I can honestly say is impossible. Both are known for their nefarious ways, and they are no strangers to cheating at all costs. Thus, "fair fight" must be defined as "cheating just as much as the other" in order for your question to be workable. The battle must consist of a best 2 out of 3 format, with one round upon sea and one upon land, and the winner of the pre-battle non-piece-of-eight-coin flip deciding the location of the third round (if necessary). Weapons to be used in each round will be chosen by the creature not native to the locale of the round (i.e. the wee pirate will chose weapons for the land battle, and the leprachaun will chose for the sea battle.) The third round will be conducted without weapons, though given the sportsmanship of each of the participating parties, one can expect at least a couple of boot knives to be smuggled in.

Round one, that upon sea, will easily go to the wee pirate, regardless of the choice of weapons. By having sea legs he will easily take advantage of the leprachaun as he vomits over the bow.

Round two, that upon land, will be much closer. The wee pirate's lack of orientation on solid ground will be less of a disadvantage than the leprachaun would like. Most likely, it will be fought with the wee pirate's choice of cutlasses, but again here the weapon choice is negligible. The round will end with the leprachaun casually mentioning his pot of gold, distracting the wee pirate for a mere split second, which is all the leprachaun will need to disarm and bloody up the wee pirate.

As the first two rounds will inevitably be split, one would expect the coin flip to be crucial. This, however, is not the case. Regardless of who wins the flip, the sea will be the chosen locale, the pirate choosing because he thinks he can again easily best a vomiting faerie, and the leprachaun because of his cunning. The leprachaun will have now become acclimated to the sea, and so this will not play a factor in the battle. The wee pirate, knowing that the leprachaun will try to distract him with gold, will not again fall for this trickery. But as wee pirates are not known for their intelligence, a fact the leprachaun knows well, the leprachaun will simply make mention of grog, and beat the wee pirate once again. The match will be especially quick if the leprachaun wins the coin toss, as the wee pirate's confusion over the choice of locale will make him an easy victim for the leprachaun's trickery.

--Hawkins B.A.

Disappearing Toothbrushes

2008-08-09T12:56:00.001-07:00

Today's question comes from Stephen, from the Internet, who writes:

My wife keeps throwing away my toothbrush because she claims it's old (2 weeks is old?!) and buying new ones. We do not make enough money to support this habit. What can I do?

Hell if I know, my wife does the same thing. I suppose the best thing that I can suggest is for you to buy a travel toothbrush and always carry it on you. She may still manage to get her hands on it if you're not vigilant however.

If she still keeps at it, you can always switch to actual disposable toothbrushes, which include toothpaste inside the handle for easy gel delivery. This will also come in hand the morning after lascivious one-night stands*, a fact that Smilesaver (foolishly) fails to highlight on their website.

--Hawkins B.A.

* Not for Stephen, obviously. For our unmarried readers.

Gas-Saving Burgers

2008-08-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Brock, from the Internet, who writes:

I'm wanting to be going green, well mostly I'm wanting to save money on gas. I heard that if you have your car idling for more than 10 seconds you should turn off the engine, but what about in fast food drive-thrus? I know I'm not supposed to use the drive-thru if I'm going green, but what about late night trips when that's the only part of the restaurant open? Do I turn it off and on again as every car advances in line?

The new green economy has changed a lot of things, including drive-thru etiquette. If you do have to use the drive-thru, drive up to the rear of the line, roll down your window, cut the engine, put it in neutral and hop out of the car. From there, you're going to want to push your car all the way to the ordering menu and from there to the pickup window. For braking it is helpful to have a passenger, but you can otherwise stretch your leg inside or use a broom handle. Once you have checked to see you've gotten the correct number of pickles on your burger and have enough napkins, you may then cut the engine back on and complete your trip with the knowledge that you have saved not only money on gas, but on nutrition as well.

--Hawkins B.A.

Jesus Flavored Snacks

2008-07-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

Today's question comes from Sue, from Rhode Island, who writes:

If there is a God, why would they appear in the form of a Cheeto?
(Cheeto)

I will not give the easy answers, which include that a)God is everywhere and in everything and b) God works in mysterious ways. And while it is difficult to ignore the controversy over the Orange Underground, Cheetos' latest advertising campaign, which Bob Garfield of Advertising Age called "mean-spirited and reckless and generally contemptible," it is reasonable to believe that Jesus felt he could avoid the trappings of the campaign.

Instead, Jesus saw more similarities between himself and the Cheetos mascot Chester. Mr. Cheetah is famous for saying "It ain’t easy being cheesy®," and while Jesus is unlikely to copyright his own words, he identifies with the message. It ain't easy being the son of God, either.

I did attempt to get answers straight from the source, but as with most famous figures, Chester plays coy in an interview. When I asked him your question directly he gave a nonanswer of "Wow... It all seems so clear now" and when asked directly about how he felt about Jesus, he simply feigned confusion. See if you can get anything more out of him.

If you do come across a Cheesus, do not worry if all or part of it becomes detached, as it will still retains its Jesusness:
"Christ is present in each of the species and whole and entire in each of their parts, in such a way that the breaking of the [Cheeto] does not divide Christ." from Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2nd ed.

On a side note, I unknowingly created my own cheezy snack up in Canada: Hawkins Cheezies.

--Hawkins B.A.

Post Your Questions Here!

2008-07-29T20:56:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone, I'm back. I'm sure you are all ecstatic! You may have wondered what I have been doing all this time, and that is a valid question. Post it in the comments below. Other valid topics to ask about include, but are not limited to: intimacy, robots, your annoying coworker, intimacy with your annoying coworker, intimacy with the robot with whom you work, and green living.

Ask anything, post it in the comments below or email me if you prefer. Include a picture of yourself if possible, tell me where you're from, and I will answer it.