Crowder Mountain Bigfoot vs. World War II

Today's question comes from BJ, in Rhode Island, who writes: Why the heck does The History Channel insist on showing those stupid "MonsterQuest" episodes? They're supposed to be covering history and they're giving us this utter crap.

You evidently hold rigid standards, and perhaps like it when The History Channel mixes it up by showing some of the Pacific Theater instead of D-Day in their documentaries. I, for one, am in favor of them investigating not only the history of man, but the history of apeman as well. This question hits home for me given my recent encounter over the weekend. Below, I've attached the only known footage of the Crowder Mountain Bigfoot. I can only hope that The History Channel devotes resources toward its study, and ignores your protests. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Cubicle Cappuccino

Today's question comes from Cynthia, from the Internet, who writes: I've heard that since we're all buckling down for the economic meltdown and saving money, and they say instead of going to the coffee shop on the way to work, I should brew it at home. Is this a good way to save money?

It's an okay way. An even better way is to brew from the coffee machine you have stashed under your desk. Not only are you saving the cost of buying the $4 latte, but you're saving the electricity costs of brewing it from home. Be sure to do it on the sly, as it could be grounds for termination. While we're on the subject, there's absolutely no reason for you to be charging your cell phone or MP3 player or any number of other portable devices from anywhere but at your place of work. Those kilowatt hours add up. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Thirty-something Wolf

Today's question comes from Steven, from the Internet, who writes: Why is the date of Easter is determined by the first full moon of spring?

The observation of Easter in relation to the lunar cycle most likely came about because Jesus was a werewolf. This should come as no surprise given the vast amount of references to werewolves in the bible. Esau is the first recorded instance: Gen 27:11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man There are many references to howling werewolves: Psalms 59:15 They wander about for food and howl if not satisfied. Isiah 13:6 Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand; it shall come as a destruction from the Almighty. Amos 8:3 And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence. Paul warns of werewolves that are jealous of Jesus that will descend upon his followers: Acts 20:29: For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock. There is also no accounting for Jesus during the nighttime hours: Luke 21:37: Each day Jesus was teaching at the temple, and each evening he went out to spend the night on the hill called the Mount of Olives. The evidence of Jesus' lycanthropic ways is solid, I have merely picked a few verses from the many that support it. On a side note, I am giving up human flesh for Lent. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Missundaztood Art

Today's question comes from Escobar, from the Internet, who writes: Is insulation art always pink?

You perhaps mean either installation art or insular art. Installation art gained popularity in the 1960s as assemblage conceived for a specific interior, and can refer to any art that invites the viewer to enter the work of art. Insular art was created in Britain and Ireland from 500 AD to the 9th century and included illustrated gospel books, liturgical metalwork, and numerous stone crosses and cross slabs. But to answer your question: no, neither installation or insular art are specifically pink in color. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Stealing from Abby: Alarming Wake-up

Today's question comes stolen from Dear Abby, January 30th 2009: What are your thoughts on a mother of five children, four girls and a son, ages 10 through 18, who is naked when she awakens them for school each morning? It bothers them, and I am beyond shocked. Surely common decency hasn't changed that much. Don't you think her behavior is bizarre and inappropriate? -- STUNNED GRANDMOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA

Well, this explains the letter I got a few weeks ago that I swore until now was a joke question: Hawkins B.A.: I've got a problem--my kids just won't wake up in the morning! I've tried everyting: yelling, setting alarm clocks at full volume, jumping on their beds and hitting them with pillows, spray guns and buckets of water, but nothing works! The only time I managed to get them off to school on time was when I went in their rooms after getting out of the shower and I had forgotten to put on clothes. Should I keep doing that? -- PHILLY FILLY Keep doing what you're doing. Education for your children should be attained at any cost. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Redneck Robot Origins

	Today's question comes from JackFerraroo, from YouTube, who demands: MORE REDNECK ROBOT!!!
	That's not a question, but demand and you shall receive. The first Redneck Robot was an Internet sensation on YouTube. This prequel, Redneck Robot Origins, is sure to be no different. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Lost in Time?

	Today's question comes from Hubert, from the Internet, who writes: So I was watching the online rerun of the Lost season premiere tonight, Thursday Jan 22nd, and while I was watching an ad came on urging me to watch the season premiere of Lost on Wednesday January 21st. How can I do this when I didn't?
	I have to think that it is either a marketing error or an inside joke for fans or a marketing error that they will pass off as an inside joke for fans. Regardless, I don't think it's worth trying since the episodes are available online. But if you do attempt it, just make sure you don't create a new string. And don't whisper so much. It's creepy. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.

Hotel Rwanda II

Today's question comes from Frank, from the Internet, who writes: What movie that's opening this weekend should I go see?

This one is easy: You have to go see Don Cheadle reprise his role as hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina in Hotel Rwanda II: Hotel for Dogs. Screenwriter Jeff Lowell had originally placed the action of Hotel Rwanda II in Rusesabagina's native Africa, in a hotel for refugees in the midst of the Darfur conflict. Studio executives got nervous when the plot tested poorly among focus groups, however, and brought in writers Bob Schooley and Mark McCorkle to change the setting to America and swap the African characters with more marketable (and cuddlier) canines seeking refuge from genocidal dogcatchers. Despite the numerous rewrites, buzz is very positive for this film from critics and early moviegoers alike, so I would recommend that you buy your ticket for Hotel Rwanda II: Hotel for Dogs immediately. -Hawkins M.L.I.S.